1 00:00:04,170 --> 00:00:07,439 - But, but Uncle Ned. 2 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:10,009 But Uncle Ned. 3 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,278 Uncle Ned, I have spent a year writing this book. 4 00:00:13,279 --> 00:00:15,247 - I will not sign anything! 5 00:00:15,248 --> 00:00:18,751 - They won't publish it unless you sign a release. 6 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:22,187 - I have never seen such a distortion of the truth. 7 00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:25,958 Mm, on page, on page 47, you say that I walked up 8 00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:29,194 to the Queen of Romania and said, "Hi, toots." 9 00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:31,764 Nothing could be further from the truth. 10 00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:33,032 It was during the World's Fair, she'd 11 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,366 been walking about all day, and I 12 00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:36,001 said, "How are your tootsies?" 13 00:00:36,002 --> 00:00:37,770 I was being solicitous. 14 00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:39,571 - But Uncle Ned-- 15 00:00:39,572 --> 00:00:41,774 - And on page 93, here's another one. 16 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:42,741 Mm, slanderous. 17 00:00:42,742 --> 00:00:44,843 That's all it is, just slanderous. 18 00:00:44,844 --> 00:00:47,279 I was not ejected from Carnegie Hall 19 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:50,349 for playing my harmonica during a Jascha Heifetz concert. 20 00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:51,684 I was not! 21 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,819 It was my flute, and I was playing it 22 00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:55,854 in the lobby during intermission. 23 00:00:55,855 --> 00:00:58,924 And as I remember, my review was better than his. 24 00:00:58,925 --> 00:01:01,727 Front page. [laughs] With my picture! 25 00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,395 - Tell him he's got to sign! 26 00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:05,831 Your publisher's flying out from New York in two days. 27 00:01:05,832 --> 00:01:08,434 - If this book is published without my permission, 28 00:01:08,435 --> 00:01:09,935 I will sue. 29 00:01:09,936 --> 00:01:12,137 Just as I sued Clarence Darrow. 30 00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:15,140 Trying to make a monkey out of me. 31 00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:17,910 - Uncle Ned, we're not getting anywhere on the telephone. 32 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:20,212 I think we ought to talk this over in person. 33 00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:21,481 - Well, that suits me fine. 34 00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:27,553 "My Uncle Ned." 35 00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:29,154 If I did half of those things, they'd 36 00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:30,457 be after me with a butterfly net. 37 00:01:35,628 --> 00:01:38,797 This is the last time I'll ever buy a suitcase made 38 00:01:38,798 --> 00:01:40,566 from the skin of a polar bear. 39 00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:43,302 Always have to keep it in a cool place. 40 00:01:43,303 --> 00:02:03,390 {\an8}[theme music] 41 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:17,236 [phone ringing] 42 00:02:17,237 --> 00:02:18,070 - Tilly? 43 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:20,172 Tilly? 44 00:02:20,173 --> 00:02:24,109 Anybody wants me, I'm at my nephew's downstate. 45 00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:25,444 Yes. 46 00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:27,346 - I understand, Mr. Wilson. 47 00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:30,749 If anybody wants you, you'll be at your Uncle Ned's. 48 00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:33,952 Have a good time, Mr. Wilson. 49 00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:36,889 - Henry, you're going to spoil your dinner. 50 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:38,791 - Alice, I wish you wouldn't talk to me like that. 51 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:41,660 That, that's the same tone of voice you use to Dennis! 52 00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:43,162 - Oh. 53 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:46,098 Henry darling, you're going to spoil your appetite. 54 00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:47,700 Is that better? 55 00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,134 - Much. 56 00:02:49,135 --> 00:02:51,170 - That was Mr. Wilson on the phone. 57 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,605 He's leaving first thing in the morning to visit his Uncle Ned. 58 00:02:53,606 --> 00:02:56,108 I'm gonna water his lawn while he's away. 59 00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:58,410 - That's very nice of you to do that for him, Dennis. 60 00:02:58,411 --> 00:03:00,245 - Oh, I'd do anything for Mr. Wilson. 61 00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:01,680 He's my friend. 62 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,817 And besides, he's gonna pay me $1. 63 00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:54,967 - Hi, Uncle Ned. 64 00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,268 - Oh hi, Dennis! 65 00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:57,903 My, but it's good to see you. 66 00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,505 Do you know something? 67 00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:01,407 It's taken me exactly three hours 68 00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:04,176 and 45 minutes to get from my front gate to the spot 69 00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:05,077 right here. 70 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,545 Oh, I could have made better time, 71 00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:07,813 only they chased me off the freeway. 72 00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:09,848 Yes, the highway patrol. 73 00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:12,284 I want to tell you, I'm a much safer skater 74 00:04:12,285 --> 00:04:13,652 than a lot of those drivers. 75 00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:16,121 How have you been, Dennis? - Fine thanks, Uncle Ned. 76 00:04:16,122 --> 00:04:17,489 - Your mother and dad? 77 00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:18,357 - Fine. 78 00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:19,324 - Mmm. 79 00:04:19,325 --> 00:04:21,260 [doorbell rings] 80 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,662 - Where is that numbskull nephew of mine? 81 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:25,631 - Did you come to see Mr. Wilson? 82 00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:29,068 - Well, how many numbskull nephews do you think I have? 83 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:30,602 - Jeepers, he went to see you. 84 00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:31,670 - Well there you are. 85 00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:33,205 You see, that shows he's a numbskull. 86 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,107 I am not there. 87 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,242 What's he lock the door for? 88 00:04:37,243 --> 00:04:38,243 Doesn't he trust anybody? 89 00:04:38,244 --> 00:04:39,611 - You can come over to our house. 90 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:40,612 - Oh thank you, Dennis. 91 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:41,847 Thank you. 92 00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:43,216 But uh, I don't believe that'll be necessary. 93 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:52,491 [clicking sounds] 94 00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:55,260 - Jeepers, how did you do that? 95 00:04:55,261 --> 00:04:57,262 - If I wanted you to know Dennis, I 96 00:04:57,263 --> 00:05:02,468 wouldn't have opened the umbrella. 97 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:03,235 - Hello? 98 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,670 Hello, operator. 99 00:05:04,671 --> 00:05:05,304 Operator. 100 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:09,208 [thunder] 101 00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:13,212 - Operator-- I know he went to visit his nephew. 102 00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:15,414 I'm the nephew he went to visit. 103 00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,750 Now would you please put my call through? 104 00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,052 [phone ringing] 105 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,889 - Hello? 106 00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:25,524 Oh hi, Mr. Wilson. 107 00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:28,293 Where are you? 108 00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:29,595 What? 109 00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:31,697 He's here. 110 00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:32,898 - Already? 111 00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:34,366 No, no, no! 112 00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:35,267 Tell him to stay there. 113 00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:36,468 I'm driving right back. 114 00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:38,437 - He's at your house. 115 00:05:38,438 --> 00:05:40,072 - How did he get in without a key? 116 00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:41,707 [thunder] 117 00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:44,677 - Oh, the old umbrella trick. 118 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:47,579 Well, tell him to be sure to wait for me. 119 00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:49,081 - OK, Mr. Wilson. 120 00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:50,149 Bye. 121 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,418 - Bye. 122 00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:54,788 [thunder] 123 00:05:57,757 --> 00:06:00,325 - Mr. Wilson said he was leaving right away, 124 00:06:00,326 --> 00:06:02,261 and he wants you to wait until he gets back. 125 00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:04,196 - I have no intention of leaving. 126 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,431 None whatsoever. 127 00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:07,566 - Do you always talk to people standing 128 00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:09,101 on your head, Uncle Ned? 129 00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:09,902 - Huh? 130 00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:12,037 I'm doing my yoga exercise. 131 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,238 - Oh. 132 00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:15,474 Well, it looks like you're standing on your head. 133 00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:26,185 - [laughs] My, that's a very stimulating exercise, Dennis. 134 00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:29,054 Tones up the brain cells, keeps you alert. 135 00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,422 Wonderful for your memory. 136 00:06:30,423 --> 00:06:32,424 Helps you never to forget. 137 00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:37,730 I learned it all in India from a professor named uh, uh, hmm, 138 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,098 what was his name? 139 00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:41,300 - Boy, you sure have had an interesting life, Uncle Ned. 140 00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:44,336 No wonder Mr. Wilson's written that book about you. 141 00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,338 - A book? It's a mass of lies. 142 00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:49,942 Imagine accusing me of calling the Queen of Romania "toots." 143 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,543 - What did you call her? 144 00:06:51,544 --> 00:06:53,245 - "Your Majesty." 145 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,713 When the King was around. 146 00:06:54,714 --> 00:06:56,749 [phone ringing] - Hey! 147 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,649 - Mm hmm? 148 00:06:57,650 --> 00:06:59,385 - That sounds like our phone. 149 00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:00,920 I'll be right back. 150 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:04,556 - What was that professor's name? 151 00:07:04,557 --> 00:07:14,833 {\an8}A, B. 152 00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:16,035 - Does John Wilson live here? 153 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,236 - Yeah, but he's not home. 154 00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:19,038 - I have a telegram for him. 155 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,105 - I'll be happy to give it to him. 156 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:20,806 - OK. 157 00:07:20,807 --> 00:07:21,573 Make sure he gets it. 158 00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:22,574 - Bye! - Bye. 159 00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:27,446 [phone ringing] 160 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,848 - Where are you, Mr. Wilson? 161 00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,183 - I'm still here. 162 00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:34,086 [thunder] 163 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,422 - There's a terrible storm and the bridge 164 00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:38,057 has washed out up here. 165 00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:40,159 I, I can't get back. 166 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,860 - It's a beautiful day here. 167 00:07:41,861 --> 00:07:44,697 The sun is shining and it's real warm. 168 00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:47,199 - Dennis, I didn't call for a weather report. 169 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,067 - OK. 170 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,601 Oh, I almost forgot. 171 00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:52,071 A messenger just gave me a telegram for you. 172 00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,772 - Who's it from? 173 00:07:53,773 --> 00:07:54,840 - I don't know. 174 00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:57,343 There's no return address on the envelope. 175 00:07:57,344 --> 00:08:00,212 - Dennis, they don't put a-- oh, never mind. 176 00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:00,847 Just open it. 177 00:08:03,616 --> 00:08:04,817 - I got it open, Mr. Wilson. 178 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:07,019 Do you want me to read it? 179 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,721 - Please! 180 00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:12,157 - "Due to change in plans, am arriving your city today 181 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:16,862 to finalize details regarding publication of your book. 182 00:08:16,863 --> 00:08:20,399 Would appreciate you arranging for me to meet Uncle Ned. 183 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,335 Sounds like fascinating character." 184 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:28,707 It's signed Charles D. Winfield, Winfield Publishing Company. 185 00:08:28,708 --> 00:08:32,144 Did you hear all that, Mr. Wilson? 186 00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,112 [thunder] 187 00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,080 - Oh no! 188 00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:36,548 - John, what's the matter? 189 00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:38,250 - Dennis just read me a telegram from Mr. Winfield. 190 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,486 He's arriving a day early. - Today? 191 00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:42,121 - And we're stuck up here! 192 00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:43,522 - And Uncle Ned's down there! 193 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,190 - We're up here, Uncle Ned's down there, 194 00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:47,126 and there goes my whole career if Uncle Ned 195 00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,194 meets Mr. Winfield before I [gasps]. 196 00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:51,730 Dennis, let me talk to your father! 197 00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:52,765 - Oh, he's not home. 198 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,433 He and Mom went downtown shopping. 199 00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:56,402 - Oh fine. 200 00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:59,906 Then Dennis, I'll have to depend on you. 201 00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:05,377 Dennis, Uncle Ned does not want my book to be published. 202 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,445 - Why not? 203 00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,113 - Because he's a stubborn old-- 204 00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:09,448 [thunder] 205 00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,917 - What's that, Mr. Wilson? 206 00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:12,351 I didn't hear it all. 207 00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:15,020 - Uh, it's just as well. 208 00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:18,257 Dennis, I came up here to try and reason with him. 209 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:21,326 But if Uncle Ned meets Mr. Winfield before I have a chance 210 00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:23,162 to talk to him, he'll ruin the whole deal 211 00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:25,898 and I'll have to give back the $2,000. 212 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,934 - What $2,000? 213 00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:31,203 - The advance the publishers gave me, Dennis. 214 00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:35,507 Now I do not want Uncle Ned to meet Mr. Winfield. 215 00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:40,079 I say again, I do not want Uncle Ned to meet Mr. Winfield. 216 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,046 Do you understand? 217 00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:42,047 - Yes sir. 218 00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:43,515 I think so. 219 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:44,750 - Fine, fine. 220 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:47,186 Then you've got to help me. 221 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:50,789 Dennis, you've got to get Uncle Ned out of the house 222 00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:53,525 and make sure he doesn't meet Mr. Winfield. 223 00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:55,194 Do you understand? 224 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:58,130 - Yes sir, but what'll I do with him? 225 00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:59,398 - Anything! 226 00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:02,267 Take him to the park, feed him to the squirrels! 227 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:03,602 The old nut. 228 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,937 If he gets tired of the park, you can take him to the-- 229 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,773 [thunder] 230 00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,274 - Dennis? 231 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,542 Dennis? 232 00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,411 The phone's dead. 233 00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:14,513 - The lightning must've struck the line. 234 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,215 - Oh, I wish it had been me. 235 00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:17,149 Dennis! 236 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,451 [thunder] 237 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,054 - I was only fooling. 238 00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:27,593 - Beautiful day, Dennis. 239 00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:29,962 Good idea of yours to go to the park, you know. 240 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,665 Nothing like a park on a beautiful day. 241 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:14,073 [pop] 242 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:17,076 {\an8}[pop] 243 00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:20,612 - You know, I've always wanted to do a thing like that. 244 00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:21,447 - Me too! 245 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,749 - Me too, but I can't afford it. 246 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:33,727 {\an8}$0.80 please. - Hey you! 247 00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:38,765 Hey, hold it! 248 00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:43,402 You're under arrest. 249 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:44,903 - What for? 250 00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:46,672 - For destroying that man's property. 251 00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:47,773 - It's all right, Sergeant Mooney. 252 00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:49,108 We paid for them. 253 00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,142 Didn't you, Uncle Ned? 254 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,176 - I certainly did. 255 00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:52,444 What do you think I am? 256 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:54,113 Some kind of a nut? 257 00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,914 - Uncle Ned? 258 00:11:55,915 --> 00:11:56,915 Dennis, is this your uncle? 259 00:11:56,916 --> 00:11:59,418 - No, he's Mr. Wilson's. 260 00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:00,753 - Mr. Wilson's? 261 00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:05,691 Oh well, that explains it! [laughs] 262 00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:07,526 - Exactly what do you mean by that? 263 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:09,194 - Oh nothing! 264 00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:12,231 Glad to meet you, Uncle Ned. 265 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:15,267 - Sergeant Mooney's about the best policeman on our force. 266 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:16,869 We haven't had a pickpocket in the park 267 00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,837 since he's been on this beat. 268 00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:20,472 - Well, really? 269 00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,474 Well, well, well, Sergeant. 270 00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,309 I congratulate you, you know. 271 00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:28,747 I have an idea this whole town will be eternally grateful. 272 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,916 - Well, I guess I better get back to the car 273 00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,084 in case the lieutenant calls. 274 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,452 [laughing] 275 00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:35,521 - What's the matter, Sergeant Mooney? 276 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:36,555 - What happened to my car keys? 277 00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,524 - You mean these? 278 00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:40,225 - Oh, I guess I must have dropped them. 279 00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:42,261 - And your badge, Officer. 280 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,396 - Huh? - And your pencil. 281 00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:45,731 - Oh now, just a min-- 282 00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:46,665 - And the handcuffs. 283 00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:47,933 - How did you-- 284 00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:49,234 - No, no. 285 00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:51,905 I promised Uncle Houdini I'd never divulge the secret. 286 00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:03,148 Don't you think it's getting late 287 00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:04,416 for a motion picture, Dennis? 288 00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,085 Don't you think we ought to go home? 289 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:07,853 - Jeepers, it's a great movie. 290 00:13:07,854 --> 00:13:10,155 The Lizard Man marries the Wolf Girl! 291 00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:11,790 - Well, well, well. 292 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:12,691 Well now, just a minute. 293 00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:14,226 Let me see. 294 00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:17,730 There were six hot dogs, four ice cream cones, 295 00:13:17,731 --> 00:13:20,299 two bags of peanuts and eight balloons. 296 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,701 Oh, I wonder if I'm going to have enough money. 297 00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:24,837 Any place around here where I can get a check cashed? 298 00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:26,305 - Oh, Mr. Quigley'll cash it for you. 299 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,807 He always cashes Mr. Wilson's checks. 300 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:29,575 - In there, huh? 301 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:30,576 - Yeah. 302 00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:31,710 - Well, you run along and find out 303 00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:32,979 what time the picture starts. 304 00:13:33,079 --> 00:13:34,947 - Yes sir! 305 00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:37,416 - Not too fast now. 306 00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:37,984 - Good day. 307 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:44,623 Oh, yes sir? 308 00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:46,525 - I wonder if you'd cash this check for me, please? 309 00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,660 - Well, I I'm afraid I don't know you. 310 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,796 - I am John Wilson's uncle. 311 00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:53,232 - Oh, then you won't mind if I call him. 312 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,100 - I don't believe he's home. 313 00:13:55,101 --> 00:13:57,003 - Well, do you have any identification? 314 00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:58,904 A driver's license? 315 00:13:58,905 --> 00:14:00,506 - No. 316 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,241 - I'm afraid my insurance company won't allow me to. 317 00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:05,244 - Well, would a pilot license do? 318 00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:06,912 - Do you fly? 319 00:14:06,913 --> 00:14:09,515 - Well, just the propeller driven aircraft, yes. 320 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:10,950 They haven't checked me out on jets. 321 00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:12,418 But here. 322 00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:13,118 - Oh. 323 00:14:13,119 --> 00:14:14,653 Oh, yes. 324 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:15,388 Well, that'll do. 325 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,926 $5, Ned Wilson. 326 00:14:20,927 --> 00:14:23,595 Oh, you must be Uncle Ned! 327 00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:25,631 I heard that Mr. Wilson wrote a book about you. 328 00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:27,700 You're supposed to be quite a character! 329 00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,502 - That is the impression that he's trying to create. 330 00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:32,705 The whole thing is a badly written, misspelled 331 00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,273 encyclopedia of falsehoods. 332 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:36,208 It will never be published. 333 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:36,909 Never! 334 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,811 Character indeed. 335 00:14:38,812 --> 00:14:39,712 - There you are. 336 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:40,646 - Thank you. 337 00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:41,747 Thank you very much. 338 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:46,151 - [inaudible] 339 00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:49,088 - Grandma Robinson's homemade relish? 340 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,489 - Uh, $0.25 a jar. 341 00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:51,423 The best we've ever had. 342 00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:52,257 - Oh? 343 00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:53,125 - Would you care to try a jar? 344 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,593 - Well, I uh-- 345 00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,895 - Double your money back if uh, you don't like it. 346 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:57,663 - Oh. 347 00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:58,797 Well, that's fair enough. 348 00:14:58,798 --> 00:14:59,298 - Yes. 349 00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:03,669 - No. 350 00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:04,470 Please, don't bother. 351 00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:05,671 I'll eat it here. 352 00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:06,572 - Here? 353 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:07,573 - Yes. 354 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,041 You have a spoon, please? 355 00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:11,043 - Well uh, yes. 356 00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,679 - Oh, thank you. 357 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,354 I don't like it. 358 00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:24,757 May I have my $0.50? 359 00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:26,225 - $0.50? 360 00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:28,227 - Double your money back if you don't like it. 361 00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,195 I don't like it. 362 00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:33,599 Thank you. 363 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,136 May I have two jars of Grandma Robinson's homemade relish? 364 00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:37,971 - Why? 365 00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:39,071 You don't like it! - I know. 366 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,974 But I may like the next two. 367 00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:42,775 - Now look! 368 00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,309 One jar to a customer. 369 00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:45,678 - Doesn't say that on the sign. 370 00:15:45,679 --> 00:15:47,246 - Well, it doesn't say it, but it means it. 371 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,081 - If it meant it, it would say it. 372 00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:50,315 - Now look, you-- 373 00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:52,651 - Do you know the penalty for misleading advertising? 374 00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:53,919 - Misleading? 375 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,221 - Two jars, please. 376 00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:19,946 - Don't like either one? 377 00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:22,381 - $1, please. 378 00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:23,782 - I'm discontinuing the offer. 379 00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:25,851 - It says nothing about a time limit. 380 00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:34,193 I believe the fine for misleading advertising is $500. 381 00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:38,530 Thank you. 382 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:39,898 - I know. 383 00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:41,166 Four. 384 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,068 - Eight. 385 00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:44,536 - Eight! 386 00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:47,440 - And besides the fine of $500, you can get one year in jail. 387 00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,081 - Don't bother. 388 00:16:56,082 --> 00:16:58,250 I know you're not going to like them. 389 00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:00,719 - Thank you. 390 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,122 I think I'll let these ride. 391 00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:05,891 It's the first time I ever played relish roulette. 392 00:17:05,892 --> 00:17:08,193 Well, in a way, it's a variation of the system 393 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,162 I used when I broke the bank at Monte Carlo. 394 00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,463 - Broke the bank! 395 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,364 [crash] 396 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:13,132 - Come on, Uncle Ned! 397 00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,099 We'd better get going! 398 00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:16,068 The picture starts in five minutes. 399 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:17,403 - Oh Dennis, am I glad to see you! 400 00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:18,470 Here, have a lollipop. 401 00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:19,872 - Thanks, Mr. Quigley. 402 00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:22,074 And thanks for cashing Uncle Ned's check. 403 00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,676 I told him you would. 404 00:17:23,677 --> 00:17:24,877 - You told him. 405 00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,311 - Hey, do you know Mr. Wilson wrote 406 00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:28,547 a book about his famous Uncle Ned? 407 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,182 - Tell him to stop the presses! 408 00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:31,184 I've got another chapter. 409 00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:40,092 - Hello? Hello? 410 00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:41,326 [thunder] 411 00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:43,395 - No, I do not want to speak to his assistant. 412 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,630 I want to talk to the Commissioner 413 00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:46,065 of Highways himself. 414 00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:48,767 Yes. 415 00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:50,135 Commissioner? 416 00:17:50,136 --> 00:17:52,071 As far as I can make out, your department 417 00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:54,073 is doing absolutely nothing about repairing 418 00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:56,375 that washed out bridge and I need help. 419 00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:59,345 I'm stuck up here on my uncle's farm and I've got to get out. 420 00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:00,646 Now this is an emergency. 421 00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:03,182 My wife-- oh no, no. 422 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,683 No, it isn't that kind of an emergency. 423 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:05,851 No, no. 424 00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,453 I have written a book about my Uncle Ned, 425 00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:09,121 but he won't sign a release. 426 00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:11,190 Now my publisher is flying down to my house. 427 00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:12,658 My uncle is there. 428 00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:16,795 And the little boy next door, he is trying to-- he-- hello? 429 00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,263 Hello? Hello? 430 00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:21,066 - Did the line go out again? - No. 431 00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:23,035 He hung up. 432 00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:26,638 Eloise, my career is lying out there 433 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,040 buried under a sea of mud. 434 00:18:28,041 --> 00:18:30,242 - Aw, just relax, John. 435 00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:34,179 Probably Mr. Winfield isn't even there yet. 436 00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:36,382 - Oh, it's no trouble at all, Mr. Winfield. 437 00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:37,683 Do sit down. - Thank you. 438 00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,451 - I'm sure they must be in the neighborhood somewhere. 439 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,220 I'll just drive around and look for them. 440 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,489 - Thank you, Mr. Mitchell. 441 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:44,958 I'm sorry Wilson isn't back yet. 442 00:18:45,058 --> 00:18:47,292 I was looking forward to meeting his Uncle Ned. 443 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:50,062 Is he really as much of a character as Wilson's painted 444 00:18:50,063 --> 00:18:50,929 him? 445 00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:54,500 - Well, he is rather unusual. 446 00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:57,603 - I know it is rather unusual, but I am a student. 447 00:18:57,604 --> 00:19:00,806 And your sign here says "Students half price." 448 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,708 You're a student, aren't you Dennis? 449 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,143 - Yes sir. 450 00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:06,712 - And so am I. And so I'll have two student tickets please. 451 00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:09,114 One for little Dennis and one for little-- uh, for me. 452 00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,115 - You're holding up the line. 453 00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:11,316 Would you mind moving along? 454 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:12,484 - I am not going to budge. 455 00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,520 If you folks want to see a motion picture, 456 00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:17,056 better go home and look at TV. - All right. 457 00:19:17,057 --> 00:19:18,624 OK, so you're a student. 458 00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,225 What school do you go to? 459 00:19:20,226 --> 00:19:22,261 - The Allegheny Institute of Taxidermy. 460 00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:24,730 I am taking a correspondence course. 461 00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:26,031 - A correspondence course? 462 00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:27,066 - Yes. 463 00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,935 And I mailed in my homework last night. 464 00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:31,770 A stuffed pheasant. 465 00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:33,672 - Oh hi, Mr. Quigley. Where you going? 466 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,241 - I'm delivering a rush order, Dennis. 467 00:19:36,242 --> 00:19:37,609 - Now you take your stuffed pheasant 468 00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,345 and get out of this line! 469 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:40,713 - What's the matter, Fred? 470 00:19:40,714 --> 00:19:42,514 - Well, this guy wants me to sell him a student ticket 471 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,883 because he's taking a correspondence course! 472 00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:47,619 - Well, sell it to him before you lose your whole theater! 473 00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:51,724 Including the popcorn concessions. 474 00:19:51,725 --> 00:19:53,192 - Oh now, look here sir! 475 00:19:53,193 --> 00:19:54,059 [horn honking] 476 00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:55,294 - Hey, that's my dad! 477 00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:56,663 - Oh, I'll be right back. 478 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:00,699 - Oh, won't you excuse me, madam? 479 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,101 Won't you step right up to the box office? 480 00:20:02,102 --> 00:20:03,235 - One student ticket please. 481 00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:07,873 I'm studying first aid at the Red Cross. 482 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:09,208 - I've been looking all over for you two. 483 00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:11,310 There's a man at the house very anxious to meet you. 484 00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:12,845 - Really? Who is it? 485 00:20:12,846 --> 00:20:14,413 - A Mr. Winfield. 486 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:16,448 - The publisher! 487 00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:17,716 - Publisher? 488 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,585 - Yes, he's going to publish your nephew's book. 489 00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:20,652 - Indeed. 490 00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,554 He thinks he's going to publish it. 491 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,690 But I'll put a few choice tidbits in his ear. 492 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:25,991 - Wouldn't you rather see the movie? 493 00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:27,226 - I certainly would not. 494 00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:28,961 Mitchell, would you kindly drive me home? 495 00:20:28,962 --> 00:20:29,762 - Well, sure. 496 00:20:29,763 --> 00:20:30,763 - Thank you. 497 00:20:30,764 --> 00:20:31,530 You coming, Dennis? 498 00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:34,867 - Yes sir. 499 00:20:34,868 --> 00:20:36,502 I sure am sorry to miss your wedding. 500 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:39,471 HENRY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis! 501 00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:42,941 - It stopped raining. 502 00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:45,077 John, would you stop that pacing? 503 00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:47,146 [phone ringing] 504 00:20:47,147 --> 00:20:49,948 - It works! 505 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:51,016 Hello? 506 00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:54,319 Uh, what? 507 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,855 How do I know how many rings I am? 508 00:20:56,856 --> 00:20:58,323 - Dear, it's a party line. 509 00:20:58,324 --> 00:21:00,092 - This is no time for a party. 510 00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:01,293 Would you please be brief? 511 00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:03,095 I'm trying to keep this line open. 512 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:07,466 I have-- well, the same to you, mac! 513 00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:09,368 Don't people have other things to do 514 00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:12,805 besides sitting around gossiping all day? 515 00:21:12,806 --> 00:21:14,773 Hello, are you still talking? 516 00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:16,842 - Dear, they only started a moment ago. 517 00:21:16,843 --> 00:21:18,644 - This is a matter of life and death! 518 00:21:18,645 --> 00:21:20,946 - Oh, don't be so dramatic! 519 00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:23,415 - Eloise, have you any idea what will happen 520 00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:25,718 if Dennis hasn't kept those two apart? 521 00:21:25,719 --> 00:21:27,753 - Now dear, just calm down. 522 00:21:27,754 --> 00:21:30,089 I'm sure Dennis will do his best. 523 00:21:30,090 --> 00:21:34,860 - Knowing Dennis' best, you ask me to calm down? 524 00:21:34,861 --> 00:21:35,728 Hello? 525 00:21:35,729 --> 00:21:39,498 Are you still on the-- it's free. 526 00:21:39,499 --> 00:21:40,899 It's free! 527 00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:41,867 [dialing phone] 528 00:21:41,868 --> 00:21:43,369 - Operator, operator! 529 00:21:43,370 --> 00:21:44,737 Jumping Jehosaphats! 530 00:21:44,738 --> 00:21:46,138 - Now dear, it could be worse. 531 00:21:46,139 --> 00:21:48,741 You can still get incoming calls. 532 00:21:48,742 --> 00:21:51,144 - Oh. Oh. 533 00:21:54,514 --> 00:21:58,784 - I tell you, Mr. Winfield, this will not be published! 534 00:21:58,785 --> 00:22:01,153 - Well, if that's the way you feel about it. 535 00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:03,422 - That is exactly the way I feel about it. 536 00:22:03,423 --> 00:22:07,159 - But Uncle Ned, Mr. Wilson spent a year working on your life. 537 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,728 - I spent 75 years working on it. 538 00:22:09,729 --> 00:22:11,663 And I'm not going to have everybody reading it. 539 00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:15,601 - Then I guess Mr. Wilson will have to give back the $2,000. 540 00:22:15,602 --> 00:22:16,902 - Serves him right. 541 00:22:16,903 --> 00:22:20,673 Writing a pack of lies, making me look like a-- $2,000? 542 00:22:20,674 --> 00:22:22,908 What $2,000? 543 00:22:22,909 --> 00:22:24,677 - Dennis must be referring to the advance 544 00:22:24,678 --> 00:22:26,378 we paid your nephew on the book. 545 00:22:26,379 --> 00:22:27,479 - $2,000? 546 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,114 - Oh, and that's merely a token payment 547 00:22:29,115 --> 00:22:30,984 against future royalties. 548 00:22:31,084 --> 00:22:33,719 He'll make considerably more money than that. 549 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:37,356 Motion picture rights, possibly a television series. 550 00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:39,091 It could come to rather a large sum. 551 00:22:39,092 --> 00:22:40,726 - Really? 552 00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:42,861 - It's a shame to lose all that money. 553 00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:43,829 - Lose it? 554 00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:45,831 Who said anything about losing it? 555 00:22:45,832 --> 00:22:47,833 Uh oh, Mr. Winfield, sit right down. 556 00:22:47,834 --> 00:22:48,667 Sit right down. 557 00:22:48,668 --> 00:22:52,137 Let's talk this thing over, yes. 558 00:22:52,138 --> 00:22:53,105 Motion picture right? 559 00:22:53,106 --> 00:22:55,442 Royalties? Hmm. 560 00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:04,717 [phone ringing] 561 00:23:04,718 --> 00:23:05,718 - Hello? 562 00:23:05,719 --> 00:23:08,220 Uh yes, this is John Wilson. 563 00:23:08,221 --> 00:23:11,056 Oh yes, put him on. 564 00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:12,925 Dennis? 565 00:23:12,926 --> 00:23:14,326 Everything OK? 566 00:23:14,327 --> 00:23:15,527 - Yes sir. 567 00:23:15,528 --> 00:23:17,529 I've got some good news for you, Mr. Wilson. 568 00:23:17,530 --> 00:23:19,198 - Fine, fine. 569 00:23:19,199 --> 00:23:22,067 You kept Uncle Ned from meeting Mr. Winfield. 570 00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:24,069 - Everything's OK, Mr. Wilson. 571 00:23:24,070 --> 00:23:27,272 Mr. Winfield's gonna publish the book. 572 00:23:27,273 --> 00:23:30,242 - Oh, uh, uh, Winfield is going to publish my book! 573 00:23:30,243 --> 00:23:32,277 - Not your book, Mr. Wilson. 574 00:23:32,278 --> 00:23:34,446 - Uh, uh, not my book, Eloise. 575 00:23:34,447 --> 00:23:35,381 Not my book? 576 00:23:35,382 --> 00:23:37,082 Whose book then? 577 00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:38,384 - Uncle Ned's book. 578 00:23:38,385 --> 00:23:40,386 It's all about his experiences. 579 00:23:40,387 --> 00:23:42,855 - Well, that's what mine's about! 580 00:23:42,856 --> 00:23:44,623 - This one is about his experiences 581 00:23:44,624 --> 00:23:46,158 with the Queen of Romania. 582 00:23:46,159 --> 00:23:50,329 He's got a great title for it. 583 00:23:50,330 --> 00:23:52,264 - "Hi, Toots!" 584 00:23:52,265 --> 00:23:54,466 That's the title? 585 00:23:54,467 --> 00:23:58,671 Well, thanks just the same, Dennis. 586 00:23:58,672 --> 00:24:00,072 - Don't hang up, Mr. Wilson. 587 00:24:00,073 --> 00:24:01,807 I've got some more good news for you. 588 00:24:01,808 --> 00:24:04,410 Uncle Ned told Mr. Winfield that he 589 00:24:04,411 --> 00:24:06,512 couldn't write the book without your help. 590 00:24:06,513 --> 00:24:08,847 - Oh, oh he did? 591 00:24:08,848 --> 00:24:09,748 - Yes sir. 592 00:24:09,749 --> 00:24:11,550 He hasn't got a typewriter. 593 00:24:11,551 --> 00:24:16,088 So he's gonna move in with you for six months and use yours. 594 00:24:16,089 --> 00:24:17,957 Mr. Wilson? 595 00:24:18,058 --> 00:24:20,826 Mr. Wilson? 596 00:24:20,827 --> 00:24:22,761 Oh hi, Mrs. Wilson. 597 00:24:22,762 --> 00:24:26,065 What happened to Mr. Wilson? 598 00:24:26,066 --> 00:24:27,967 He did? 599 00:24:28,068 --> 00:24:32,872 Jeepers, I guess all that good news was too much for him! 600 00:24:44,617 --> 00:25:04,671 [theme music] 601 00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:31,698 ANNOUNCER: This has been a Screen Gems film production.